Memo from Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Distressed Families

You’ve just heard that a close relative was hospitalized or, worse, admitted to the ICU. Depending on the proximity of your relationship or your fondness towards that relative, your concern could propel you to either pick up the phone or, if you are in India, land up at the hospital. Before you do either, I’d like to humbly request you read this memo, which really is about what is NOT appropriate conversation or behavior.

• A conversation that starts with “Not that I want to put this into your head but.. I hope it’s not throat cancer!”
  • If you haven’t the foggiest clue what the ailment is, why on EARTH would you want to introduce cancer into the equation? The family’s nerves are frayed as it is – thank you very much.
• A conversation that starts with “Is it benign?”
  • The words benign and malignant are almost always used in the context of cancer so a little discrimination PLEASE!
• A conversation that ends with “Well! Let’s hope for the best!” after a protracted conversation with a family member where you’ve not allowed them to finish a sentence.
  • No formalities please. If you’re calling for the sake of formality, at least have the courtesy to avoid platitudes – especially inappropriate ones.
• A conversation that ends with “Keep me updated, ok?”
  • No, NO, NO! If you are really interested, YOU can call again. And if the phone is not being answered, there’s surely a VERY good reason for it.

A family with a family member in the ICU is a “family in distress”. The ongoing developments of the patient in the ICU is neither breaking news nor is it a spectator sport. It is not important that you are in the know of every tiny detail of the treatment and recovery. It’s especially not kosher to call one family member, gather the latest status, and *five minutes later*, call a second family member to ask the same questions. This is not 24×7 news reporting where you need to piece together multiple “sources” to piece together the whole story.