Coffeeholics Anonymous [Remastered]

[Editor’s Note] I slightly cringe when reading my posts from a few years ago. The ones I wrote 10+ years ago are downright pain-inducing. If the code of the bloggers allowed it, I could delete them - alas! This 2-year old blog post, which I’m refactoring (remastering) today wasn’t cringeworthy but I felt it could be improved slightly so here goes.]

In the heart of Malleswaram lies a splendid 80 year old house where 3 generations of a privileged Kannadiga family have lived king-sized lives. Coffee was central to this clan’s lives. The patriarch had been gifted a vast coffee plantation by none other than the Mysore monarch for “invaluable services rendered”. how important coffee was for practically every family member of the clan, it’s ironic (& blasphamous) what the house is being used for in these “modern times”. You see, For reasons that will be evident shortly, I can neither share details of that family nor can I tell you where that house is situated.

“After 2 years of a nocturnal heavy Masters program, I found it hard to stay awake beyond 10am at my new job so I turned to black coffee. Before I knew it, I was up to 5 a day and hooked.”

“When people ask if I have any regrets, I tell them I have just one: not discovering coffee sooner.”

“I can’t remember the last time I woke up in the morning and did NOT immediately brew coffee.”

“Coffee as a wake-up ritual is so important that I prepare my coffee machine the previous night so I just need to hit the switch in the morning.”

“I can give up all my coffees but that one on road trips. Driving on an interstate highway, tuned in to the right radio station, sipping that perfect blend until the last drop - ah! that’s the experience to die for.”

“I don’t understand these downtowners walking around city blocks sipping their lattes. Coffee is a beverage meant to be enjoyed while seated.”

“Some people read tea leaves; I read coffee grounds. There’s a story in every cup.”

“I used to think that a cigarette was the best way to greet a new day. I was wrong. A cigarette while sipping coffee is perfection.”

“After 10 years I divorced my husband. He’s Republican and I’m Democrat but that wasn’t the problem. He just won’t change his watered-down tea drinking habits - I’ve tried everything.”

“I’ve redefined what ‘coffee break’ means. It’s now the brief interval between one coffee and the next.”

“They say there is no such thing as bad pizza. Well, there is such a thing called bad coffee but it’s a pity you can’t always smell it from afar.”

“It’s not addiction; it’s a deeply committed relationship with a cup of coffee.”

“I use Zoom backgrounds of my favorite coffee shops for my morning meetings as it invaribly triggers conversations that test my resolve. Am I strong-willed or simply a masochist?”

“There is something deeply spiritual about reading the Sunday New York Times with coffee. Now why would ANYONE want to take that away?”

“The famous RK Narayan has bristled at the idea of coffee as an addiction. According to him, the word is disparaging and is akin to calling each other milk addicts or food addicts or air addicts. The most painful experience is to hear a tea-drinker or a cocoa-drinker or a purist who drinks only water hold forth on the evils of drinking coffee.”

“If everybody drank a good cup of coffee in the morning, the world would be more peaceful.”

“I once spent a night in the jail because I assaulted a barista. He mistakenly served me a disgusting hazelnut concoction instead of my regular cappuccino. I know he brews 100’s of cups daily but that was MY morning cappuccino he screwed up.”

“What annoys me the most is the false equivalence between the 2-coffees-a-day chappie and the 2-cigarettes-a-day chump. The latter is a dimwit who has quit the race with victory in grasping distance. The former is the truly rare balanced human being.”

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This was obviously on a Zoom call with half the attendees ‘keeping video off` as they hadn’t had their morning coffee yet.

We’ve been getting requests to take Coffeeholics Anonymous to Clubhouse. We direct at those folks the same sharply disapproving look that we reserve for folks ordering pumpkin spice latte.